LAME
Was just at the newsagents. Guy said I looked tired. He decided it was because I don’t eat meat. He told me where he comes from they eat meat 3 times a day (unspecified African country). His favourite is raw liver covered in lemon and peanut butter (left for 5 minutes). I said I used to love meat.
Him: Aw, what happened?
Me: Morals.
Him: Oh, I’m sorry.
Bust out laughing. Best delivery ever.
Accidental achievement
So I’ve not done, like, any of my work today. HOWEVER, I did realise my beautiful dream that I always forget: there is now a notebook and nice pen in every single room that I inhabit in my house; in the kitchen, lounge, dining room, spare room, my bedroom, and, yes, the bathroom. Inspiration cares not a jot for human caprice.
hashtag platitudes.
neighbourhood
next door neighbour just subjected me to, like, at least fourteen hours of enflamed oratory concerning the difference between climate and weather. it was OK but it reminds me that there’s no way out of a conversation when your only comment is: “Yeah, I know, I’m quite smart”. Or even, for something like this, “I’m not retarded—everyone knows that!” You end up sounding like a douchebag. Maybe in the future I’ll modify it:
Yeah I have a degree you know ………………………………. in journalism and english literature ok have to go see ya
Reasons I don't go outside. Ever. #2300
- Me: Hello!
- Doctor: Hi! What's up?
- Me: I have a cough.
- Doctor: OK, what kind of cough?
- Me: Er, like. Like one that comes from my chest? Isn't that kind of your thing? I had flu last week and my cough won't go away.
- Doctor: Is it a wet cough or?
- Me: You are leading the witness. Sorry, no, it's a wet cough. [At this point I coughed].
- Doctor: Are you coughing anything up?
- Me: Seriously, like hunks of lung.
- Doctor: Green or yellow?
- Me: I try not to discriminate. But yeah green-y yellow.
- Doctor: I'm going to listen to you breathe.
- Me: I'm going to stand outside your window late at night and make creepy faces.
- Doctor: Please take off your first layer.
- Me: Only if you buy me a drink first.
- [Insert boring procedure here]
- Me: Also, I have these collinear moles on my back, can you look at them?
- [Insert second boring procedure here]
- Doctor: They look fine--have them checked every time you come here. Do you have anyone at home who can look at them or take pictures of them?
- Me: No and I'm not taking self-pictures of my back.
- Doctor: OK. Fair enough. [Checks computer]. It says here I need to ask you if you want a test for chlamydia.
- Me: I can do that test if you want, but you're going to have to sleep with me first to give it any hope of coming back positive.
- Doctor: OK.
OK part 2
- Friend: Marshmallows.
- Me: OK.
- Friend: Marshmallows?
- Me: What is wrong with you?
- Friend: Nothing, why?
- Me: Has your brain come away from your spine?
- Friend: What are you talking about?
- Me: What are *you* talking about?
- Friend: Marshmallows.
- Me: You will die alone.
- Friend: I will die with marshmallows.
OK
- Friend: Absolute muffin.
- Me: What?
- Friend: You heard me.
- Me: I did, you said "absolute muffin."
- Friend: I meant what I said.
- Me: Yes but what you said was "absolute muffin."
- Friend: That's right.
Accidentally a terrible person
All right so I’m slowly getting over my like five-day-super-mild-case-of-the-flu (I was actually pretty dead). So yesterday it was probably at its worst and I honestly thought I was dying of, like, renal failure or something. So I desperately needed some comfort chocolate, so I shuffled down my Egyptian-run corner-shop. Now, a British-speaking kid and his Egyptian-speaking dad were on shift. The kid goes, “You look rough, are you all right?” and so I replied: “No, I have terrible AIDS.” The kid translates for his dad and the dad says to me: “Me too.”
AND HIS FACE WAS SO SERIOUS I HAVE NO IDEA IF HE WAS JOKING OR NOT!?
Haters gonna hate
What is with this self-aggrandising, pre-emptive assault on banality? It’s as vacuous as a man slipping towards death beckoning over his one remaining relative and mumbling gently into their ear, “Breathers gonna breathe”. It’s all no shit jesus. I mean, it’s a total euphemism for “Don’t hate on me because I’ve negated your presence by assuming your existence and thus destroying it” (but less hyperreal). Maybe a better inflection would be, “Seriously I need your reaffirmation but I’m also in thrall to narcissism: I want to both suggest that no one could hate me; destroy any hate that I might receive, as it would crush my confidence; and put up three hundred bajillion photos of myself and therefore negate my entire statement.”
And whilst I’m on a thing, don’t put up pictures of yourself with tag lines like “The world stops when you stop” or “The only cliché is giving up.” First, these statements are totally devoid of meaning anyway; and more importantly, they have absolutely nothing to do with you putting up photos of yourself. I mean, nothing whatsoever. They are abject non sequiturs. Vacuumed of all their possibility.
Don’t get me wrong: I like faces. I like pictures. Photos are good. People are hot. But drop the fucking sixth-grade philosophising and embrace your totalising solipsism.
